Mama Drama SOAPnet kicks off its new crazy-family series by counting down 25 of the most over-the-top celebrity and TV moms. At the bottom of the 25 mamas in the countdown was Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) from "Grey's Anatomy." The staff at Seattle Grace calls her "The Nazi," but she still manages to balance her demanding career and family in turbulent times. Says comedienne Sharon Huston, "Miranda Bailey should not be called the 'The Nazi' - she should be called 'Ms. Thing,' because she knows how to keep that hospital in check." Pop culture expert Daphne Oz agrees: "Bailey drives her interns around like they're cattle. There's no mercy." When she was giving birth during a Seattle Grace bomb scare, Miranda also managed to say the phrase that shocked all of primetime - "V-Jay Jay." Joy Lauren from "Desperate Housewives" wonders, "Since I'm Joy, could I call it a 'V-Joy Joy'?'" At No. 20 on the countdown was Victoria Newman (Amelia Heinle) from "The Young and the Restless." Trapped in a Las Vegas casino elevator when it collapsed, she was hit on the head, sending her into a coma for months. Her family finally decided to have doctors induce labor, and she gave birth while still in a coma. Paige Hemmis of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" thinks, "Giving birth in a coma is fine; you feel no pain, and suddenly you have a baby. Now, getting pregnant in a coma - that I might not like." John-Paul Lavoisier from "One Life to Live" looks at the upside of being in a coma, saying, "If you were giving birth to a child, the best form of drugs you could possibly take would be 'Put me in a coma,' right?" Lynette Scavo (Felicity Huffman) from "Desperate Housewives" was "Mama Drama" No. 13. She's lived through cancer, addiction, and tornadoes. Husband Tom also brought home a love child he didn't know he'd fathered until the kid was fully grown. When the child's mother died (murdered in front of Lynette's eyes, no less), the kid moved into the Scavo household - expanding the already large brood to five. Joy Lauren of "Desperate Housewives" thinks, "Maybe the luck should be more evenly distributed amongst the housewives." So much for karma, says Paige Hemmis: "You look at Lynette, and you think, 'Why do all these bad things happen to this woman?' She lives a good life, yet everything seems to go wrong." Amen, Paige. Coming in at No. 1 - and probably not the least proud of that distinction - was Britney Spears. Although it seems she's been getting her act together lately, we knew she was in trouble when her antics started making K-Fed look like the ideal parent. Comedian Chuck Nice says, "If the phrase 'Mama Drama' was a legitimate phrase you could look up in the dictionary, it would be a whole page of just Britney Spears." Cooper Lawrence, who's described as a "relationship expert," quips, "Regular Britney comes with underpants. With party Britney, underpants are sold separately."
It's A Sibling Thing SOAPnet continues the crazy-family chronicles with "It's a Sibling Thing," counting down 25 nutty sibling relationships. Near the bottom of this week's countdown, at No. 22, are the Spencers from "General Hospital." Siblings Lucky (Greg Vaughan) and Lulu (Julie Berman) have always held a grudge against half brother Nikolas Cassidine (Tyler Christopher), because they thought their mama Laura (Genie Francis) favored him over them. Comedian Kathleen Madigan says she would resent her mom too: "If I found out my mother had a secret child who was my half sibling and then - on top of it - favored that child ... that would be the end of Mother's Day cards for you, young lady!" Sonya Eddy from "General Hospital" almost seems to admire Nikolas's wild abandon: "Nikolas doesn't really let anything stop him from getting what he wants. Lucky, on the other hand, has a stop button. He has a pause button." No. 19 brings saintly Viki (Erika Slezak) and her bum of a brother Todd (Trevor St. John). Viki tries her best to have a good heart and help others while Todd is ... out for Todd. Says comedian Sharon Houston, "Viki and Todd have a great relationship - they can learn a lot from each other. Todd can learn dignity, morals, respect, and honesty. Viki can learn how to steal a car without anybody knowing." Jumping from daytime to primetime, we land at No. 16 with "Grey's Anatomy" - where Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) gives the regular cold shoulder to half sister Lexie (Chyler Leigh). Lexie is the product of a deadbeat dad who abandoned Meredith and her mom to start another family. So, Lexie is the personification of that abandonment - and Meredith is still hurt about it. Sharon Houston thinks she has some good therapy ideas for both ladies, saying, "If I was Lexie, I would just steal some Percocet from the office and knock myself out, because I would just be devastated. What's the point of being a doctor if you can't get free Percocet?" From Seattle Grace to the sibling boxing ring for No. 14, where "The Young and the Restless" bad boy Kevin (Greg Rikaart) resents his half brother Michael (Christian LeBlanc) for leaving home and making him grow up alone with their crazy mother. Paige Hemmis from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" says, "Kevin's mad. I get it. I'd be pissed too if I was left with that cuckoo." Things between Kevin and Michael got really complicated when Michael stole the heart of the woman Kevin wanted. Comedian/actor Alec Mapa knows he would be upset about that: "If my brother stole my significant other, yeah, I'd be ready to throw down. Don't be fooled. You're walking over, but you're limping back!" As we get closer to the top of the list, we jump from fiction to fact with No. 5: Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. These two have been in the spotlight for a while, and, as time went by, it seemed like Ashlee was trying to become more like sister Jessica. First with the singing career, then with plastic surgery - and now with her engagement to Pete Wentz, she's closer to marrying her OWN rock star. Just like Jess when she marred "rocker" Nick Lachey! Comedian Chuck Nice says, "Jessica Simpson is the hot one of the two, and what made her so hot? Well, let's look at her. She's blonde, she's buxom, she's got a beautiful face. Ashlee, not so much." No. 1 with a bullet - or rather, with a push into the pool - are sisters Jane (Josie Bissett) and Sydney (Laura Leighton) from "Melrose Place." Jane was always the better half of this sibling pairing, with Sydney constantly causing trouble and screwing up Jane's life at every turn. "If I had a sister like Sydney, I would probably do everything I could to have her committed - and if I couldn't do that, I would kidnap her and hide her somewhere ... because she would definitely make things bad for me," says Sharon Huston. Willie Garson from "Sex and the City" doesn't know where Sydney's evil comes from, but he sure digs Jane's hair: "I think I was jealous of Jane's oh-so-stylish pageboy haircut." Sharon Houston thinks the hair was the reason for every skirmish between Jane and Sydney: "I think that's why they fought all the time. It was about the hair." Relationship expert Cooper Lawrence has some pretty good ideas on how to deal with a psycho sister: "In real life, the best way to deal with an awful sister is to talk to her - but on television, it's always a good idea to throw her into the pool."
Brawl In The Family SOAPnet continues the crazy-family chronicles with "A Brawl in the Family," counting down 25 bruised and battered clans. Madonna and ex-husband Sean Penn land at No. 25. They were a hot item when they got married in the '80s, but their conflicting personalities got the best of the relationship. According to "The View" co-host Joy Behar, "Well, Sean Penn and Madonna, that was like a starter marriage for both of them. He wanted a girl who had an exhibitionist need, and she wanted a guy with anger-management issues." Dan Kroll from Soap Opera Central reminds us of the buzz surrounding them back in the day: "During their marriage, there was lot of tension and turmoil; there were reports of abuse." Comedian Chuck Nice says that, after things fizzled out between the two stars, "Sean Penn went on to become an Oscar-winning actor and director, and Madonna went on to Dennis Rodman, Carlos Leon, Sandra Bernhard, and some dude named Jim that no one even knows about." At No. 24 are the Chandlers from "All My Children." Stepbrothers JR and Jamie had a strong connection, until JR married a scheming woman named, of all things, Babe. Paige Hemmis from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" says, "I mean, there are two brothers and a woman named Babe. Can anything good come out of this?" As it turns out, Jamie and Babe had already met and eventually rekindled their relationship. Then Babe got pregnant and wasn't sure if the father was JR or Jamie. On top of all that, when Babe married JR, she was still legally wed to someone else. Comedian Alec Mapa says, "If I found out my new bride was married before and was still legally married to someone else, I'd want all her wedding china." No. 17 brings us the Abbotts from "The Young and the Restless." Jack Abbott suspected his father's new wife was a gold digger, so he convinced him to take her out of the will before he died. Paige Hemmis thinks she'd have a problem with that too - "If you think someone marries your dad for money, I'd be pissed, because you know that's less money that I'll be getting." Alec Mapa thinks that "If my father was old and rich instead of just old, yeah, I would hate anybody who came near him." After Abbott Senior died, he haunted Jack, trying to convince him to put his widow back into the will. Paige thinks she'd fight off any haunting: "If a ghost was hounding me to give something to someone, I don't think I'd give in - bring it, ghost! Bring it!" Alec agrees: "I can hardly take my father's nagging now; I gotta take it from the afterlife too?" No. 4 on our loony list are Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Multibillionaire rock icon Paul married Heather without a prenuptial agreement. Comedian Chuck Nice thinks that's just dumb: "So, after his long and successful marriage to Linda McCartney, Sir Paul decides 'I'm going to marry Heather Mills without the benefit of a prenup, because I'm an idiot.'" Chuck continues, "If I was worth a billion dollars, you couldn't ask me for the time without a prenup." When things went south, it was clear Heather had always had nefarious intentions. Alec Mapa thinks that was rather obvious: "There's just no way to date a 65-year-old billionaire and say, 'It's just 'cause I love him.'" When an old friend of Heather's revealed that she was perhaps nothing more than a high-class prostitute, her already tarnished image was damaged even more. But comedian Stephanie Wilder-Taylor thinks: "If she was a high-class prostitute, then Paul McCartney was her biggest trick. More power to her." This episode's No. 1? Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards. Charlie had a sketchy reputation in Hollywood before he married Denise, so it was no surprise when the union collapsed. Says Lisa Gastineau from "Gastineau Girls": "If you know your husband has a history of using drugs and prostitutes, you have to listen to that voice in your head and say, 'Hmmm, is this what I really wanna be doing?'" Then it was reported that Denise had asked Charlie to donate his sperm to give her another child. Alec Mapa thinks that's rather strange: "While her relationship with Charlie may not be so great, she does have a great relationship with his sperm." Comedian Judy Gold agrees: "I think she's not really clear about what the word 'divorce' really means, and that someone may want to google that word for her." After all that, Denise wanted to use their kids in a reality show, and Charlie sued, because he thought it would be harmful to them. At least Charlie had standards, says Stephanie Wilder-Taylor: "The man values family; just ask any hooker in Hollywood, they'll vouch for him." When all was said and done, it's hard to tell where these two stood. Willie Garson from "Sex and the City" thinks he has an idea: "In the Charlie and Denise battle, I imagine the truth falls right in the middle - they're both somewhat sane, which means they're both somewhat insane."
Crazy In Love SOAPnet continues the mad-family chronicles with "Crazy in Love," counting down 25 love crazy couples. We visit Mode magazine from "Ugly Betty" for the bottom of this week's list with Betty and Henry at No. 25. Even before they had their first date, it seemed that fate had always had other plans. Although there were plenty of obstacles they fought to keep their love alive. Says "Betty" co-star Ana Ortiz,"I like to see Henry and Betty together. They're like the little nerd couple and they're really cute together." Paige Hemmis of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" agrees, "Geek love is sooo cute. Makes me think of my first love." There was always a strong connection between these two even when Betty found out that Henry's ex was (maybe) pregnant with his child. Dan Kroll from "Soap Opera Central" says, "You would think that if the man that you're involved with is going to leave you to go back to his former love who may or may not be carrying his baby, you sort of think that may not be the wisest thing to do, but Betty loves hard and once she had fallen in love with Henry, there wasn't any going back." Sarah Brown from "General Hospital" thinks Betty needs to move on, saying, "There's somebody out there better than Henry for Betty." "All My Children" brings us No. 20 with Angie and Jesse. These two mismatched lovers came from different worlds but still managed to fall deeply in love and become inseparable. Explains Dan Kroll, "Jesse was a little rough around the edges, Angie was more of an upper-class upbringing, but opposites attract and they fell hard for one another." They ignored the obstacles and got married anyway. Things got really strained, though, when Angie got pregnant. Figuring Jesse wasn't ready and wrongly assuming he wouldn't want a child, she kept her pregnancy a secret, gave the baby up for adoption and then divorced the only true love of her life. Actor Sam Sarpong thinks, "Now Angie and Jesse, that's' some drama. I would go crazy! How are you going to have my baby and not tell me that we got a kid together? That's not love!" Then Jesse died and things really got complicated, says Dan Kroll: "The next biggest obstacle they had to overcome is probably the biggest anyone has to overcome - Jesse died, but fast-forward 20 years - he's not really dead." Ultimately, these two would reunite and hopefully stay together forever. Rebecca Budig from "All My Children" recalls their true love, "I just remember the chemistry they had - it was palpable, and you just wanted to watch them. They still have that." We head to the City for No. 16, with Carrie and Big from "Sex and the City." No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't keep away from each other. Paige Hemmis thinks Carrie wasted her time all those years: "You know one thing I love about 'Sex and the City' is that no matter when you watch you feel like you've been there ... that guy did that to me, et cetera ... but waiting for Mr. Big for all those years? I don't think it was worth it." But Bree Williamson of "One Life to Live" disagrees: "Big, for all the women watching 'Sex and the City,' was kind of the unattainable guy that you always wanted but you couldn't get." Carrie did eventually get her man, and Willie Garson, who played Carrie's good friend on "Sex," said, "Stanford was always quite torn about it because he wanted her to be happy but he knew that he was always going to have to be there to sweep up the mess which was time and time again." Legendary daytime couple Luke and Laura from "General Hospital" showed up at No. 3. They first met in 1979, and things were rocky at first. Dan Kroll explains what happened, "One night at a campus disco, Luke had a little too much to drink and he raped Laura. Laura would later admit that she was raped, but she would never admit who did it because by that time she'd discovered she was having feelings for the man who'd raped her." In 1981, 30 million people tuned in to watch them get married, in a wedding some consider to be the most memorable moment in daytime TV history. Comedienne Judy Gold recalls, "I remember that I was so into it - they were so in love and they were so perfect for each other. It was, finally! Here we go, finally! They're gonna tie the knot." Sonya Eddy from "General Hospital" also has fond memories, "I, along with everybody else, was skipping school. I can't be at school today, umm, my nose is falling off, something's happening." Wrapping up the crazy love this week at No. 1 were Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Tom's couch-jumping, crazy behavior towards his relationship with Katie in 2005 made headlines and raised eyebrows. Comedienne Erin Foley thought to herself, "Katie. Get the hell out of there and run." Chuck Nice thought Katie had some power over Tom we didn't know about, "When Tom jumped on that chair, I thought to myself, 'Man that girl must be a tiger in the sack. Man, what is she doing to him? Does she know some secret Kama Sutra we're not aware of?'" Life coach Mel Robbins thought it was refreshing to see such passion, but then thought otherwise, "My initial reaction when I saw that was, I gotta say it was, cool, finally somebody is so enthused about who they're with that they're willing to do something that moronic on TV. Their relationship is so over-the-top, it is a little unbelievable." Our Take: It's great to fall crazy in love, but think things through before doing anything too hasty.
Twisted Family Trees SOAPnet continues the crazy-family chronicles with "Twisted Family Trees," getting to the root of 25 eccentric families. We begin our family number crunch this week at No. 25, on an uncharted island with the "Lost" castaways. These folks had enough issues to deal with after their plane crashed on a patch of dirt in the middle of the Pacific Ocean - but their family lives at home made you wonder if it was really worth trying to get back to the mainland. Comedian Chuck Nice thinks, "Everybody on 'Lost' has family baggage, every single one of them. Every time they have a flashback its like, is this a flashback or a therapy session?" Relationship expert Cooper Lawrence thinks the problems they left behind are far more fascinating than the island's mystical powers or the puzzling "Others," saying, "What makes them so interesting is that the back story is almost more interesting than the story that's going on while you're watching the show." Comedienne Kathleen Madigan agrees, "Every person on the program has a horrible problem they haven't fixed. One goes 'Well, my dad was a mobster,' and another one is like 'My dad murdered my mom in front of me - how about that?'" Adding to the confusion and intrigue of their situation, many of the survivors don't know about the family connections they have with their fellow castaways. For instance, Jack didn't know until recently that Claire was his half-sister. Chuck Nice thinks Jack's dad did a real number on him, saying, "Jack is always seeing his dad. 'Dad, is that you?' 'No, I'm dead, but you know what, I still don't approve of you.' That'll screw you up. Your dad still disapproves of you from beyond the grave!" No. 22 brings us a bent branch on this giant family tree, with Natalie Buchanan and Jared Banks from "One Life to Live." We thought they were uncle and niece when they began their tryst. John-Paul Lavoisier from "One Life to Live" thinks that's pretty, sick saying, "I personally think it's disgusting if you sleep with your uncle. That's pretty forbidden in my book." However, as it turned out, Jared was just posing as an heir to the Buchanan fortune. Falling in love with Natalie wasn't planned. Comedienne Erin Foley says, "Love or money? It really depends on the person and how much money." Alec Mapa has a more cynical point of view: "Being wealthy is far more important than telling the truth. That's just how I was raised." Four very confused branches are at No. 16 with Nash/Jess/Tess/Antonio, also from "One Life to Live." Jessica has a split personality named Tess. Jessica had domestic bliss with Antonio, but her other personality fell in love with Nash - totally devastating Antonio. Says Erin Foley, "So Jessica has a split personality she inherited from her mother - awesome." Comedienne Sharon Huston is glad she didn't inherit anything that bizarre from her parents: "I've inherited some things from my mother, like child-bearing hips, dementia - but not multiple personalities ... that doesn't run in my family. I don't think you can inherit that." Then, Tess had a baby with Nash and decided to stay with him - leaving Antonio scratching his head and trying to mend his heart. After all that, Antonio was man enough to donate a piece of his liver to Jessica. Guess you have to "liver" your life for true love. Alec Mapa thinks, "Would I donate an organ to someone I love but doesn't love me? Well, I just did that an hour ago. I donated a liver." The nasty feud between Scott Baldwin and Luke Spencer from "General Hospital" is at No. 12. Scott was married to Laura when Luke swooped in and lured her away, setting the stage for one of the most famous romances in daytime television history. But Scott never got over it, and he's still mad. Says Sonya Eddy from "General Hospital," "Their bone of contention is Laura and her affections. Scott had her, Luke took her, and that's all that matters to Scott." Alec Mapa thinks they'll never reach any kind of peace: "I don't think those two will ever bury the hatchet." Rounding out the tree of twisted life at No. 1 are the connections shared by Pam Anderson, Shannen Doherty, Heather Locklear, Tommy Lee, Kid Rock, Richie Sambora, and Rick Salomon. Sharon Huston thinks Pam Anderson is the link that holds all these folks together, saying, "You know they say there's six degrees of separation - but if you're associated with Pam Anderson, it's about two degrees ... cuts out four people." After being married to the same man (Tommy Lee) and hanging out with rock stars, Erin Foley thinks Pam and Heather should cut out men from their lives all together; "I think Heather Locklear and Pam Anderson should end up together. Start a group like 'Women who love Women who love Aging Rock Stars.' That would be an awesome couple."
Father Knows Less SOAPnet continues the crazy-family chronicles with "Father Knows Less," getting cozy with 25 know-nothing daddies. At No. 25 this week - and not wearing a fat suit - is Eddie Murphy. After Eddie split up with his wife, he started dating ex Spice Girl Mel B. The relationship ended abruptly - but shortly afterwards, Mel announced she was pregnant with Eddie's baby. Eddie denied the child was his and demanded a DNA test. Comedienne Sharon Huston points out an ironic twist to Eddie's behavior, saying, "Eddie Murphy does all these family films - but what's funny is when he has to do it in real life, he requires a DNA test." Comedienne Kathleen Madigan thinks Eddie had a point: "I don't blame him, because she was a Spice Girl; it could have not been his. I'm sure he knew 'I'm just one phone number in her Blackberry.' If I was him, I would have said, 'Let's wait and see on that one.'" The mystery and speculation ended when the DNA test came back and proved that Eddie had indeed fathered Mel's baby girl. Busted! Port Charles, the fictional setting of "General Hospital," brings us a real psycho dad at No. 20 with Anthony Zacchara. As head of one of two major crime families, he's ordered hits, committed murder, and even gone on a stabbing spree. Sarah Brown, who plays his daughter on the show, thinks, "He's absolutely certifiably insane. He's mean, but he's insane too." Sharon Huston thinks, "If you father's Anthony from 'General Hospital,' I don't know what you can do to stay on his good side. Me personally, I would be sending him flowers, wash his car. Whatever you do, Dad, please don't kill me." Comedian Chuck Nice thinks Anthony is a pretty dark dude: "When a man kills his wife because he's trying to shoot YOU... that should pretty much tell you whatever daddy wants, daddy gets." Seattle Grace brings us Daddy No. 15, with Thatcher Grey from "Grey's Anatomy." He abandoned Meredith and her mother more than 20 years ago. When his second wife died on Meredith's operating table, he reacted by slapping her. Sonya Eddy from "General Hospital" was both shocked and angered by what she saw: "When I was sitting there watching that, knowing how much that Meredith was trying to please her father, and this man hauls off and cracks her in the face -- I dropped my grapes! I'm like - no he didn't! I couldn't believe that she took it because honey, if it had been me? I might have forgot that was my daddy." Former teenage heartthrob Dr. Noah Drake from "General Hospital" is our No. 8 dad. He made quite a sensation when he first arrived at Port Charles. Sarah Brown says, "Just look at the guy, he's dreamy. Hottie." But when he blamed himself for the death of his wife on his operating table, he started to hit the bottle - and turned into a mess. When he needed a liver transplant, his doctor son offered up a piece of his. But Noah wouldn't take it - initially. Sonya Eddy thinks although their relationship is strained, there's real love between father and son: "Patrick loves his father. He might be confused and conflicted about that love, but the fact is, it's still there." One of the most diabolical dads on our countdown comes in at No. 2, with Adam Chandler from "All My Children." Pine Valley's self-made billionaire made his fortune by being a cutthroat bastard. In his personal life, he's even LESS dignified. Imagine having him as your dad! Sharon Huston says, "Who would wanna call that guy on Father's Day? It's like, 'Hi Dad, Happy Father's Day! Did you try to burn down my house today? No? Thanks!'" Alicia Minshew, who plays Kendall Hart on "All My Children," says about Adam, "He's a bit of a control freak. He's gotta make sure everything is the way he's wants it to be or he'll lose his mind." Larry Birkhead is the top dad on this countdown, landing at No. 1 for his efforts to be recognized as the biological father of the late Anna Nicole Smith's daughter. Larry fought hard to win custody, even after Anna stated publicly (just before her death) that he was not the father ... claiming lawyer Howard K. Stern was the real baby daddy. Shortly after Anna's passing, Larry went to the Bahamas and got into the custody ring to duke it out for his little girl. Chuck Nice is dubious of Larry's intentions though: "I really think it is noble when a man steps up and claims responsibility for his baby ... that could potentially be a billionaire." Willie Garson from "Sex and the City" agrees: "I think the main thing that ran through Larry's head was 'Well, I'm the poorest one of all six, so I'm gonna get that damn baby.'" Larry did eventually win custody, and has moved on to begin the upbringing of his daughter - with the legacy of a troubled mom looming. Sharon Huston suggests, "The advice I would give Larry for raising his daughter would be One: She's not a Cabbage Patch Kid; she's a real person. Two: Don't buy her any Precious Moments figurines. It's just tacky. And three: Tell her that her mom was a nurse." And Lisa Gastineau of the "Gastineau Girls" thinks it'll be a tough life down the line, saying, "I think that he's got his hands full because his life is going to stay a media circus."
